Overcoming Our Loss

This Spring I endured a loss that so many women go through; a miscarriage. In fact, the whole being pregnant then enduring the loss all seemed like a whirlwind. It all happened so fast. By the time I wrapped my head around the fact I was pregnant again and finally came to the realization that ‘hey we can do this’, it was over. Looking back, it almost felt like one of those tests to see how you truly feel about something. Like, a test to see if we really wanted to add to our family again. (Which as a side note we failed because we both still don’t know how we feel about this) I mean it had been almost 7 years since we had Ayden. We weren’t trying to conceive again but nor were we trying to prevent it. It just never happened; until this year.

One of the biggest mistakes was telling so many people so quickly. Again, it all happened so fast, I think we were so stunned that all sensibility just went out the window. Mostly, I regret that we told Ayden. He was the most excited. It was hard the day I got the news and when Rich and the kids came home and all three climbed in bed with me and hugged me. Rich had told him the baby was sick and not in my tummy anymore. I remember Ayden asking if God was going to fix the baby and put it back. I just lost it.

I will remember that day, the office visit and moment with my family, for the rest of my life. Though the pain has subsided the memory will stay with me. That week was rough for me. I wept a lot. It came in waves. Luckily, my mommy was with me for a few days. I lived off Wawa’s mac and cheese and toll house cookie dough. I dreaded going back to work but honestly getting back into my routine and my busy life helped me deal and overcome the sadness. I turned my energy to getting back into 5ks and also projects around the house.

We are doing much better as a family and have moved on. I of course, think about what could of been often but it doesn’t hurt as much. I had a moment about a week ago, I was scrolling through my 8,000 emails in my Yahoo account (not exaggerating there are literally that many, maybe more) and saw an email from one of those pregnancy newsletter things you sign up for that tells you where your at with your pregnancy. ( I thought I deleted my subscription but I guess not). The email said it was my 18th week and we should soon find out the sex of the baby. Not going to lie it stung a bit. I was able to reflect, wipe the tears and carry on.

I was about 6-7 weeks when I miscarried and again, I had only known I was pregnant for about two weeks, so as much as it hurt to go through this miscarriage, I know so many other women endure so much worse. Some have miscarriages much later in their pregnancy. Some have multiple miscarriages. Some women struggle for years to conceive. Β I know that I am fortunate for my babies. So keeping all that in perspective has helped me carry on and not to dwell. Plus, I’m just one tough broad. I don’t stay down too long.

We will always remember our angel baby and think about what if(and hey Angel is an ‘A’ name so it keeps within the tradition of A names). December 17th was the projected due date and that day may sting a bit too. Again, I will reflect and maybe cry a bit but will be okay in the end.

qutoe

❀ Adrian

 

 

 

 

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Those Moments When Autism Hurts

There are moments through this autism journey that will test a parent’s strength and emotional well being. These moments will also touch upon this spot in our heart that is soft, delicate and extremely fragile that we as autism parents have mended back together time and time again. This part of our heart was initially broken the day we received the diagnosis and through the years we learn to persevere and mend our broken hearts so that we can remain focused and strong for our children. My fragile spot on my heart cracked a bit tonight. As I was brushing Avah’s hair I said excitedly, “only a few weeks left of school and then Summer!” She looked up at me with a smile and said, “Summer Camp?”. As I began to say, “No, not this year” she begins to say, ” Science Camp, make slime?”. She was referring to last Summer her week long camp at MOSI. She finished out the week program but after that week they felt it wasn’t a good fit for her because of some of her behavioral needs. In her mind she had a great time at camp and loved creating things there. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t be asking me a year later. However, they thought differently. At that moment, that spot in my heart began to ache and crack once again. “Damn you autism” but most importantly, “damn you society”. I so badly wish people could see past her autism and the difficulties it brings. I so badly wish people could see Avah the way I see her. Most importantly, I wish people would give Avah and others with disabilities at least a chance! I’m not saying it will be easy, it will be trying at times BUT it is so beyond worth it. Just give them a chance. Work through those challenges and give them an opportunity to at least show you their true self when they are in a understanding environment. So here I am weakened by my hurting heart. The only thing I could think to say is, “Avah, people suck and sometimes they don’t understand”. I’m not sure if she understood where I was going with my comment but It just came out. I kept brushing her hair and changed the subject to her upcoming surfing event. Once again, the spot in my heart is on the mend but will soon be healed and tucked away until the next time autism life rears its ugly head. ~ Adrian