I knew the date December 17th would come and I knew it would bring up emotions and would sting a bit. I didn’t however, expect the date’s impending arrival to hit me as hard as it has. These past couple of days have been so excruciating (surprisingly though today, Saturday, has been good). I’ve been withdrawn from practically everyone. I cry at night; alone. I hold it together just enough to get inside my office and just fall apart all over again. Thursday I left my office and as soon as I got in my car, I cried. Yesterday I cried some more.
It just hit me the other day. It was like opening a flood gate of emotions and I can’t shut it off. I don’t know if all this emotion and sadness is attributed to the due date and loss only. Or perhaps all the other crap in my life is why I’m taking this so hard. The holidays certainly don’t help but I gotta put on a brave face and have a happy Christmas for my kids.
Just the thought that this week we’d be having our baby just cuts me to the core. I so badly wanted to do something on the due date to remember and honor the loss but we have no money. Maybe that attributes to my sadness too; Not being able to do something in memory. I thought about making an ornament or something in a little picture frame and then it dawned on me that I don’t even have a sonogram picture. It’s like the whole pregnancy is a figment of my imagination; but the pain is certainly real.
I do believe that everything happens for a reason. The good and the bad. But sometimes that belief still don’t ease the pain. I’m hoping my winter break from work will allow me to rest and get refocused and heal again. I really had a tough 2017 and I so badly want to leave all the hurt behind.
So I tried. Honestly, I did. I erased all the apps and up until today, I had remained off all of my social media sites. A whole 4 days! It was nice and refreshing not to be plagued by all the Hollywood gossip, horrible news around the world or the incomprehensible actions of the day by #45 and his circus. However, the reality is, social media is a huge part of me and looking back I needed more than a time away from social media; I needed a reset.
Life gets insane at times. Mine is definitely no exception. Last week, I had that moment where all the crap in your life that you just pile on and keep on going until you just basically say “f*%# this I’m over it”. Basically, that was me last week.
Many know what is going on in my personal life with my family. Add that to my usual life of two kids (one whose teacher and school workload will drive me insane by the end of the year and my oldest, who is like a living version of Dr. Jekl and Mr. Hyde and I never know what day she will have), a husband, a household and not to mention assisting an office and 21 people. It’s a lot and I rarely stop. So you can imagine the weight that I pile on to where I just said “enough”.
Luckily, I was able to remove myself from socials for a few days. I’m on vacation this whole week of Thanksgiving and it’s been a great time to catch up on sleep and get a grip on my life. It’s been nice and honestly what I needed.
I simply needed a reset! We all need reset time. It’s not easy this thing called life; however, the good parts surely outweigh the bad.
Today, after dropping Avah off at school, while driving, I just thought about how happy she’s been since attending Liberty. Also, how happy I’ve been since she’s started at Liberty. When we had to leave Pizzo due to boundary changes I always thought to myself we’d never find a more cohesive, family type atmosphere than what we had at Pizzo. The women at Pizzo I still hold dear to my heart for guiding me through the darkest, most confusing time in my life. They were my guardian angels. At Lewis, Avah adored Ms. Eder and I, as a parent, had a great respect for her and all she did for her students. We remain in touch with her after all these years. When she moved midway through 4th grade, Avah had a rough time with the remainder of elementary school and to sum it up, we were ready for a change. Big time!
Fast forward a few years and I now find myself sitting back and watching my daughter flourish and have the most incredible group of teachers and paras who surround her. They push her just enough to make sure she’s learning, growing and achieving greatness. Today, a few of the teachers and I were talking and laughing about her new love for the song, ‘Sweet Caroline’. Then I had a great conversation with the ESE coordinator at the school. It is an amazing feeling as a parent to have a great relationship your child’s school and feel like your part of something special which I truly feel I am at Liberty.
Most people dread the middle school years. I was one of them. However, these so far has been some of the best for Avah. She continuously grows and improves in areas that she needed work in. They implemented working the coffee cart where she is a barista and serves coffee to teachers. I’m sure she has her moments and has rough patches through the day but its the team knowing her and quirks and being able to work through those troublesome times that helps her overcome the rough days.
I can’t say enough great things about the ASD team at Liberty. Honestly, about everyone I’ve come in contact at the school. The principal is awesome, all the teachers I’ve come in contact with are great and of course, the lovely lunch ladies that greet us every morning as we walk through the gate who are quick to smile, say ‘hello’ and offer Avah her chicken biscuit.
I honestly can’t say enough great things about this school and am so thankful for CHOICE to allow her to be able to attend this school. It has truly made a difference in Avah’s life.
This Spring I endured a loss that so many women go through; a miscarriage. In fact, the whole being pregnant then enduring the loss all seemed like a whirlwind. It all happened so fast. By the time I wrapped my head around the fact I was pregnant again and finally came to the realization that ‘hey we can do this’, it was over. Looking back, it almost felt like one of those tests to see how you truly feel about something. Like, a test to see if we really wanted to add to our family again. (Which as a side note we failed because we both still don’t know how we feel about this) I mean it had been almost 7 years since we had Ayden. We weren’t trying to conceive again but nor were we trying to prevent it. It just never happened; until this year.
One of the biggest mistakes was telling so many people so quickly. Again, it all happened so fast, I think we were so stunned that all sensibility just went out the window. Mostly, I regret that we told Ayden. He was the most excited. It was hard the day I got the news and when Rich and the kids came home and all three climbed in bed with me and hugged me. Rich had told him the baby was sick and not in my tummy anymore. I remember Ayden asking if God was going to fix the baby and put it back. I just lost it.
I will remember that day, the office visit and moment with my family, for the rest of my life. Though the pain has subsided the memory will stay with me. That week was rough for me. I wept a lot. It came in waves. Luckily, my mommy was with me for a few days. I lived off Wawa’s mac and cheese and toll house cookie dough. I dreaded going back to work but honestly getting back into my routine and my busy life helped me deal and overcome the sadness. I turned my energy to getting back into 5ks and also projects around the house.
We are doing much better as a family and have moved on. I of course, think about what could of been often but it doesn’t hurt as much. I had a moment about a week ago, I was scrolling through my 8,000 emails in my Yahoo account (not exaggerating there are literally that many, maybe more) and saw an email from one of those pregnancy newsletter things you sign up for that tells you where your at with your pregnancy. ( I thought I deleted my subscription but I guess not). The email said it was my 18th week and we should soon find out the sex of the baby. Not going to lie it stung a bit. I was able to reflect, wipe the tears and carry on.
I was about 6-7 weeks when I miscarried and again, I had only known I was pregnant for about two weeks, so as much as it hurt to go through this miscarriage, I know so many other women endure so much worse. Some have miscarriages much later in their pregnancy. Some have multiple miscarriages. Some women struggle for years to conceive. I know that I am fortunate for my babies. So keeping all that in perspective has helped me carry on and not to dwell. Plus, I’m just one tough broad. I don’t stay down too long.
We will always remember our angel baby and think about what if(and hey Angel is an ‘A’ name so it keeps within the tradition of A names). December 17th was the projected due date and that day may sting a bit too. Again, I will reflect and maybe cry a bit but will be okay in the end.
My last post was about how dormant my blog is and how I had hope to write more in 2017. Well that was a complete bust! Here we are halfway through the year already (seriously where does the time freaking go!?!)
At the beginning of this year I chose to make this year about me. Me and only me. Okay, I mean I didn’t stop being a mom or wife or anything but I chose to focus on me more for sure. Sorry if that makes me seem super selfish but I had to. So at the start of the year I wanted to try and focus on getting healthy. I hate saying “It’s my New Year’s resolution” it was more of ‘Damn it, I’m sick and tired of feeling sick and tired’. So in January I purchased a Fitbit and ‘got to steppin’. I started walking on my lunch breaks, walking around my neighborhood. I was moving and groovin’. I was eating healthier and making better choices about food.
By the recommendation from a friend, I watched the documentary ‘From Fat to Finish Line‘ and joined their Facebook community. Talk about jaw dropping inspiration. It literally made me want to hop off the couch and run, and I hated running. So I then decided I wanted to try, so I bought a Garmin tracking watch and started jogging. Now let me rephrase that, I jogged about 10 seconds and walked most the time until I could catch my breath to jog another 10 seconds. But hey I did it! Soon I was doing my first 5k at HCC in February. Now granted, I ‘trained’ for a little bit and jogged some of the race but walked the majority of it. None the less, I had fun, I had a walking buddy and we at least hit our goal of finishing under an hour. So kuddos to us!
After my first 5k in February I signed up for more virtual 5ks to keep me motivated because who isn’t motivated by fancy medals?! (only me? okay cool.) I continued jogging/walking and working out at home and in my free time enjoyed working out in my yard. (crazy I know, seriously who is this chick?!?) Around Easter, I had a life event that I will write about in another post, that shook up my family and I’s life which knocked me off my groove big time.
When I was able to resume working out, I went on to complete two 5ks and walked/jogged when I could. Slowly trying to build up the momentum I once had.
Now we are in middle of Summer in Florida so I rarely walk at lunchtime due to trying to live to see another day and not pass out from heat exhaustion. I always aim to walk or run after work however, every afternoon, we have a small hurricane blow through and that makes it difficult to go outside.
I’ve been off with my eating too. I feel myself slipping into my old routines and it sucks because I recognize it and sometimes feel I can reign it in and then wham… That (insert crap food of choice) looks delicious! It is a struggle for sure. I am determined to get back on track. I don’t want to slide back into my old ways and gain all that I’ve lost thus far (23 lbs by the way).
I am determined to end this year on a good note! I will let you know how that goes, if I remember not to abandon my blog again.