This Spring I endured a loss that so many women go through; a miscarriage. In fact, the whole being pregnant then enduring the loss all seemed like a whirlwind. It all happened so fast. By the time I wrapped my head around the fact I was pregnant again and finally came to the realization that ‘hey we can do this’, it was over. Looking back, it almost felt like one of those tests to see how you truly feel about something. Like, a test to see if we really wanted to add to our family again. (Which as a side note we failed because we both still don’t know how we feel about this) I mean it had been almost 7 years since we had Ayden. We weren’t trying to conceive again but nor were we trying to prevent it. It just never happened; until this year.
One of the biggest mistakes was telling so many people so quickly. Again, it all happened so fast, I think we were so stunned that all sensibility just went out the window. Mostly, I regret that we told Ayden. He was the most excited. It was hard the day I got the news and when Rich and the kids came home and all three climbed in bed with me and hugged me. Rich had told him the baby was sick and not in my tummy anymore. I remember Ayden asking if God was going to fix the baby and put it back. I just lost it.
I will remember that day, the office visit and moment with my family, for the rest of my life. Though the pain has subsided the memory will stay with me. That week was rough for me. I wept a lot. It came in waves. Luckily, my mommy was with me for a few days. I lived off Wawa’s mac and cheese and toll house cookie dough. I dreaded going back to work but honestly getting back into my routine and my busy life helped me deal and overcome the sadness. I turned my energy to getting back into 5ks and also projects around the house.
We are doing much better as a family and have moved on. I of course, think about what could of been often but it doesn’t hurt as much. I had a moment about a week ago, I was scrolling through my 8,000 emails in my Yahoo account (not exaggerating there are literally that many, maybe more) and saw an email from one of those pregnancy newsletter things you sign up for that tells you where your at with your pregnancy. ( I thought I deleted my subscription but I guess not). The email said it was my 18th week and we should soon find out the sex of the baby. Not going to lie it stung a bit. I was able to reflect, wipe the tears and carry on.
I was about 6-7 weeks when I miscarried and again, I had only known I was pregnant for about two weeks, so as much as it hurt to go through this miscarriage, I know so many other women endure so much worse. Some have miscarriages much later in their pregnancy. Some have multiple miscarriages. Some women struggle for years to conceive. I know that I am fortunate for my babies. So keeping all that in perspective has helped me carry on and not to dwell. Plus, I’m just one tough broad. I don’t stay down too long.
We will always remember our angel baby and think about what if(and hey Angel is an ‘A’ name so it keeps within the tradition of A names). December 17th was the projected due date and that day may sting a bit too. Again, I will reflect and maybe cry a bit but will be okay in the end.