I knew the date December 17th would come and I knew it would bring up emotions and would sting a bit. I didn’t however, expect the date’s impending arrival to hit me as hard as it has. These past couple of days have been so excruciating (surprisingly though today, Saturday, has been good). I’ve been withdrawn from practically everyone. I cry at night; alone. I hold it together just enough to get inside my office and just fall apart all over again. Thursday I left my office and as soon as I got in my car, I cried. Yesterday I cried some more.
It just hit me the other day. It was like opening a flood gate of emotions and I can’t shut it off. I don’t know if all this emotion and sadness is attributed to the due date and loss only. Or perhaps all the other crap in my life is why I’m taking this so hard. The holidays certainly don’t help but I gotta put on a brave face and have a happy Christmas for my kids.
Just the thought that this week we’d be having our baby just cuts me to the core. I so badly wanted to do something on the due date to remember and honor the loss but we have no money. Maybe that attributes to my sadness too; Not being able to do something in memory. I thought about making an ornament or something in a little picture frame and then it dawned on me that I don’t even have a sonogram picture. It’s like the whole pregnancy is a figment of my imagination; but the pain is certainly real.
I do believe that everything happens for a reason. The good and the bad. But sometimes that belief still don’t ease the pain. I’m hoping my winter break from work will allow me to rest and get refocused and heal again. I really had a tough 2017 and I so badly want to leave all the hurt behind.
So I tried. Honestly, I did. I erased all the apps and up until today, I had remained off all of my social media sites. A whole 4 days! It was nice and refreshing not to be plagued by all the Hollywood gossip, horrible news around the world or the incomprehensible actions of the day by #45 and his circus. However, the reality is, social media is a huge part of me and looking back I needed more than a time away from social media; I needed a reset.
Life gets insane at times. Mine is definitely no exception. Last week, I had that moment where all the crap in your life that you just pile on and keep on going until you just basically say “f*%# this I’m over it”. Basically, that was me last week.
Many know what is going on in my personal life with my family. Add that to my usual life of two kids (one whose teacher and school workload will drive me insane by the end of the year and my oldest, who is like a living version of Dr. Jekl and Mr. Hyde and I never know what day she will have), a husband, a household and not to mention assisting an office and 21 people. It’s a lot and I rarely stop. So you can imagine the weight that I pile on to where I just said “enough”.
Luckily, I was able to remove myself from socials for a few days. I’m on vacation this whole week of Thanksgiving and it’s been a great time to catch up on sleep and get a grip on my life. It’s been nice and honestly what I needed.
I simply needed a reset! We all need reset time. It’s not easy this thing called life; however, the good parts surely outweigh the bad.
Well this year has passed by in a nanosecond! Here we are the day before Thanksgiving. Publix is a cluster F%*&. My emails are bombarded with Black Friday deal teasers and this year, due to my complete insanity and quest for home ownership I now am working a second job IN RETAIL. HELP ME!
As much as I can go on about the craziness of the season that is about to ensue, I wanted to write a quick post about what I am thankful for. Why, because that is what we as Americans do. We stop for one day and say what we are thankful for only to flip the script and became ravenous holiday shoppers until we pass out or have mental breakdowns before Christmas Eve.
Any who, I myself have a lot to be thankful for this year.
I am thankful for my family and friends and their health.
I am thankful for my husband and kids.
I am thankful that I somewhat have some sanity left (although some would argue that’s a stretch).
I am thankful for wine for allowing me to keep that small amount of sanity.
I am thankful for CARD and my co-workers.
I am thankful for Dunkin Donuts Mocha Macchiato each morning for giving me a swift kick in the arse so that I can function and work each day and be somewhat pleasant.
I am thankful that I graduated from USF and will no longer have to write a paper or take an exam.
I am thankful for my discovery of the TV shows, Scandal & The Royals.
Mainly, and being serious, I am thankful that 2015 has been a great year thus far. I can only hope that 2016 will follow suit.
I wish you all and your family a Happy Thanksgiving!
I’ve been asked my opinion about his great debate so many times i’ve lost count. So i’ve decided to write my thoughts on this so that in the future I can just provide a link to my blog….LOL So here it goes….
It has been a long standing debate about vaccines & the cause for autism. The battle lines have been clearly drawn on this issue. It most likely will continue for quite sometime as there currently is no known cause for autism. All we know about autism is that it has increased significantly just within the last 10 years, now at 1 in 68 children, 1 in 54 boys specifically.
Since there is no known cause many feel that vaccines are the culprit. Many also feel that on top of the shots environmental factors play a role. There are many theories that have been pushed into the public, mainstream media regarding the cause: ranging from flu shots in mothers while pregnant, pitocin medicine given during delivery and even c-sections were once considered a possible cause.
There are also the cases where doctors are over diagnosing kids (I’ve seen it) parents will stop at nothing to get a diagnosis of something so generally doctors hand out autism diagnosis because it is such a varied, wide range diagnosis anything could easily fall on the autism spectrum; which this could also explain the increase in diagnosis numbers as well.
However, there still is not any clear cut indication what causes autism or how to ‘prevent’ it. Autism is definitely neurological what researchers are looking at are these children born with these neurological defects that develop over time or are the defects caused or intensified by an out of utero variant. That is still the big mystery.
As a mother, my personal feelings are as such:
I feel it is a genetic/biologic gene that is mutated or deformed by some variant whether that is in fact the shots OR environmental factors.
I don’t believe it is JUST the shots nor just biological because again families who have multiple children can have 1 out of 5 kids have autism. Also, if it is just the shots why is EVERY child not affected by autism. Some children get all their shots and are not on the spectrum.
As for the great SHOT debate I continue to vaccinate my daughter but space them out. I also do this with my neuro-typical son who does not have autism. I space them out not because of fear of autism or the rise of the numbers but because there are just too many especially given all at once.
There are a number of swimming lessons and water safety education resources throughout the communities we serve through CARD-USF. They may or may not have expertise working with students with autism spectrum disorder. CARD-USF staff provide trainings upon request to various recreation programs, but even with our training, you need to make sure the instructors and programs you choose are right for your family. Please let us know if there are some terrific programs that worked well for your family so we can share the good news with other families. Here is a list of resources for all 14 counties we serve: swim lessons
Disclaimer: As a policy, CARD will not lend its name to the endorsement of any specific program, practice, or model that is offered for service to people with autism and related disabilities. However, the sharing of information and training opportunities are key functions of the…
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