Dear Avah,

As you sleep I sit here and think about our journey thus far. While it seems like ages ago I was sending you to Pizzo Elementary at the age of 3; I must have blinked because now here we are, your first day of high school couple weeks shy of turning 14.

To you, maybe this seems just like any other first day but it isn’t. It’s special. High school in itself is special. It marks an incredible four year journey of self discovery, creating lifelong friendships and memories you will cherish for the rest of your life. My one true hope is that you get all that you can out of high school and all that it has to offer. So when you graduate in four years, you can look back and say “dang that was the time of my life”.

Be kind. Be smart. Be ambitious. Be bold. Hold your head up even through the bad days.

You are among peers who understand your struggles. They understand your journey and most importantly they will have an innocent and loving heart like you.

I am so proud of you Avah and all that you’ve overcome and continue to face. You never cease to amaze me.

Love Mommy ❀

Here’s to you and the Class of 2023

Down for the Count

Well my super easy pregnancy hit a brick wall as soon as I hit 29 weeks. That whole week was consumed by high blood pressure readings and more blood draws than usual.

Yesterday, at 30 weeks, my blood pressure got higher than it’s ever been and I just didn’t feel good at work. So per doctors orders, yesterday evening Rich and I headed to the hospital in a torrential downpour, for the 40 min drive to St. Joseph’s Women’s.

All my bloodwork and lab work has come back good. The baby is doing well too; which is all good news but my blood pressure numbers just are not cooperating.

So today marked the beginning of the rest of my pregnancy. BED REST. Bed rest along with blood pressure meds and weekly visits to the doctor. (Enter a long sigh)

Feeling defeated is an understatement. Being told I can’t do something doesn’t sit well with me; Especially being A-type personality and some would say “control freak” (like it’s a bad thing)

*eye roll*

So I’m trying to do what I can work wise from home. Trying to stay in bed as much as I can bare. Just trying to do as very little as possible without pushing it too far.

The plan is to at least make it to 36 weeks. Which will put me at early October. So long as he’s doing good and I’m good.

So now we just wait and see.

December 17th

I knew the date December 17th would come and I knew it would bring up emotions and would sting a bit. I didn’t however, expect the date’s impending arrival to hit me as hard as it has. These past couple of days have been so excruciating (surprisingly though today, Saturday, has been good). I’ve been withdrawn from practically everyone. I cry at night; alone. I hold it together just enough to get inside my office and just fall apart all over again. Thursday I left my office and as soon as I got in my car, I cried. Yesterday I cried some more.

It just hit me the other day. It was like opening a flood gate of emotions and I can’t shut it off. I don’t know if all this emotion and sadness is attributed to the due date and loss only. Or perhaps all the other crap in my life is why I’m taking this so hard. The holidays certainly don’t help but I gotta put on a brave face and have a happy Christmas for my kids. 

Just the thought that this week we’d be having our baby just cuts me to the core. I so badly wanted to do something on the due date to remember and honor the loss but we have no money. Maybe that attributes to my sadness too; Not being able to do something in memory. I thought about making an ornament or something in a little picture frame and then it dawned on me that I don’t even have a sonogram picture. It’s like the whole pregnancy is a figment of my imagination; but the pain is certainly real. 

I do believe that everything happens for a reason. The good and the bad. But sometimes that belief still don’t ease the pain. I’m hoping my winter break from work will allow me to rest and get refocused and heal again. I really had a tough 2017 and I so badly want to leave all the hurt behind. 

❀ Adrian

My Reset Time

So I tried. Honestly, I did. I erased all the apps and up until today, I had remained off all of my social media sites. A whole 4 days! It was nice and refreshing not to be plagued by all the Hollywood gossip, horrible news around the world or the incomprehensible actions of the day by #45 and his circus. However, the reality is, social media is a huge part of me and looking back I needed more than a time away from social media; I needed a reset. 

Life gets insane at times. Mine is definitely no exception. Last week, I had that moment where all the crap in your life that you just pile on and keep on going until you just basically say “f*%# this I’m over it”. Basically, that was me last week. 

Many know what is going on in my personal life with my family. Add that to my usual life of two kids (one whose teacher and school workload will drive me insane by the end of the year and my oldest, who is like a living version of Dr. Jekl and Mr. Hyde and I never know what day she will have), a husband, a household and not to mention assisting an office and 21 people. It’s a lot and I rarely stop. So you can imagine the weight that I pile on to where I just said “enough”.

Luckily, I was able to remove myself from socials for a few days. I’m on vacation this whole week of Thanksgiving and it’s been a great time to catch up on sleep and get a grip on my life. It’s been nice and honestly what I needed. 

I simply needed a reset! We all need reset time. It’s not easy this thing called life; however, the good parts surely outweigh the bad.

❀ Adrian

What I’m Thankful For in 2015

Well this year has passed by in a nanosecond! Here we are the day before Thanksgiving. Publix is a cluster F%*&. My emails are bombarded with Black Friday deal teasers and this year, due to my complete insanity and quest for home ownership I now am working a second job IN RETAIL. HELP ME!

As much as I can go on about the craziness of the season that is about to ensue, I wanted to write a quick post about what I am thankful for. Why, because that is what we as Americans do. We stop for one day and say what we are thankful for only to flip the script and became ravenous holiday shoppers until we pass out or have mental breakdowns before Christmas Eve.

Any who, I myself have a lot to be thankful for this year.

I am thankful for my family and friends and their health.

I am thankful for my husband and kids.

I am thankful that I somewhat have some sanity left (although some would argue that’s a stretch).

I am thankful for wine for allowing me to keep that small amount of sanity.

I am thankful for CARD and my co-workers.

I am thankful for Dunkin Donuts Mocha Macchiato each morning for giving me a swift kick in the arse so that I can function and work each day and be somewhat pleasant.

I am thankful that I graduated from USF and will no longer have to write a paper or take an exam.

I am thankful for my discovery of the TV shows, Scandal & The Royals.

Mainly, and being serious, I am thankful that 2015 has been a great year thus far. I can only hope that 2016 will follow suit.

I wish you all and your family a Happy Thanksgiving!

~ Adrian