December 17th

I knew the date December 17th would come and I knew it would bring up emotions and would sting a bit. I didn’t however, expect the date’s impending arrival to hit me as hard as it has. These past couple of days have been so excruciating (surprisingly though today, Saturday, has been good). I’ve been withdrawn from practically everyone. I cry at night; alone. I hold it together just enough to get inside my office and just fall apart all over again. Thursday I left my office and as soon as I got in my car, I cried. Yesterday I cried some more.

It just hit me the other day. It was like opening a flood gate of emotions and I can’t shut it off. I don’t know if all this emotion and sadness is attributed to the due date and loss only. Or perhaps all the other crap in my life is why I’m taking this so hard. The holidays certainly don’t help but I gotta put on a brave face and have a happy Christmas for my kids. 

Just the thought that this week we’d be having our baby just cuts me to the core. I so badly wanted to do something on the due date to remember and honor the loss but we have no money. Maybe that attributes to my sadness too; Not being able to do something in memory. I thought about making an ornament or something in a little picture frame and then it dawned on me that I don’t even have a sonogram picture. It’s like the whole pregnancy is a figment of my imagination; but the pain is certainly real. 

I do believe that everything happens for a reason. The good and the bad. But sometimes that belief still don’t ease the pain. I’m hoping my winter break from work will allow me to rest and get refocused and heal again. I really had a tough 2017 and I so badly want to leave all the hurt behind. 

❀ Adrian

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